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11 December 2010 @ 02:10 pm
Fic for mayshy  
Title: Schneider
For: mayshy
Summary: Jongwoon is sick, he isn’t dying…but losing hope is just living without a purpose. There are people willing to help, but only one can help him, if only he would let him.
Author’s Notes:for Michelle, mayshy. Hun, I’m sorry that this is a bit disjointed, I tried my best though. And well. I hope it does get cheerful for you in the end. OTL. And, I’m sorry, but this doesn’t look like love ;-; well, at least I think it doesn’t . But I sure hope you like it.

*Schneider, from the medical term Schneiderian classification. Schneiderian classification is the list of symptoms that identifies a schizophrenic patient from one that isn’t.


The doctor’s voice was calm and comforting yet it reeked of abused authority, something people would only follow out of fear and not by want. He called Jongwoon’s name over and over again, but Jongwoon pays him no heed. Opting instead to tap his fingers on the table to some melody he can only hear, he flinches as the doctor reaches out a hand to him, touching his fingers for a moment, effectively stopping him from tapping out the song he’s been hearing. He frowns, the magic is gone, and slowly, ring his hand back to his lap. He raises his eyes, looking at the doctor through a curtain of uneven bangs.

“Jongwoon-ssi,” the doctor said again, his voice smug, and Jongwoon can feel himself put up invisible walls to protect himself. Jongwoon titled his head to the side in askance, what could he want, again? “How are you today?”

How is he today? Jongwoon thinks it over as if his life depended on his answer to the man’s question. Pursing his lips and bringing up a hand to rub his left eye, he finds himself unable to answer. He was…he was breathing today, without difficulties, without restrictions. He didn’t see his friends though.

“None,” he answer in a clipped tone, voice husky and raw from being quiet the entire day.

“None?” the doctor asked, prodding Jongwoon for details.

Jongwoon shook his head like a child, and the doctor can’t help but sigh in defeat. He wouldn’t be able to get straight answers from Jongwoon now, since Jongwoon found the window interesting.

“I don’t understand,” the doctor began, but Jongwoon has long ago tuned him out, opting to mouth words the doctor cannot recognize. It was only until he began tapping his bare feet on the floor then the doctor realized that he was singing.

“They didn’t come today,” Jongwoon whispers in a saddened voice, pausing his singing just to voice out that matter.

If the doctor wasn’t quick to listen to what Jongwoon said, then he would have thought that he only imagined him speaking, for now, he was back to singing. And then, the doctor relaxes, he leans back on his chair and lets out a sigh of relief.

“That’s okay , Jongwoon-ssi. It’d be better if they didn’t come back,” the doctor says. Jongwoon ignores him yet again. Clearing his throat and gathering his documents, he pushes himself out of the chair and taps Jongwoon on the shoulder. “I’ll be going now, we’ll see each other tomorrow.”

Jongwoon continues singing, seemingly unaware of the doctor’s exit. But once the doctor was out of the door, he turns around and stares at the door. “You’re wrong,” he says, boring holes on the door. “They always come back.”

And then he turns around again, an elbow propped up on the table, and looks at the window. And then, he starts singing about a dragon that lived near a sea.


“Jongwoon-hyung is one of the oldest patients here,” Kibum says as he leads another male nurse through a hallway. Siwon, a nurse transferred to the psychiatric facility of Il Jaesoon Hospital , follows Kibum and nods.

“By old, do you mean his age?” Siwon asked the resident nurse of the psychiatry ward.

Kibum smiles and turns to him before pausing in front of a door at the end of the hallway. Siwon looks around, noticing that the door is one of the only few doors in the hall, it was going to be difficult, he thinks as he notes that all the other doors are the same; white-painted fibreglass, heavy and windowless. Kibum pushes the door, and Siwon is led to another hallway, only this one is shorter. “No, I’m sorry, I keep forgetting that you’re an ER nurse, you’re not used to our slang here,” Kibum says and Siwon nods.

“Jongwoon-hyung has been here for 5 years, he’s still young though,” Kibum thoughtfully continues. “He’s only four years older than me? Three for you, I think.”

“Oh I see,” Siwon replies.

“He got in here at a young age too, or so I was told,” Kibum continued. “I’ve only been here for a year, so I’m not sure, but if I was to believe Donghae-hyung, he’s the one you’re replacing by the way, then Jongwoon-hyung got admitted here when he was 22.”

“Only 22?” Siwon asks. Kibum nods at him and turns left. He points to a big window on the wall, and Siwon looks in it. There he sees a guy in colourful pajamas, lying on the floor on his stomach with his legs raised. “Is this him?”

Kibum nods. “Yep, that’s our Jongwoon-hyung.”

“He isn’t wearing the hospital-issued dress,” Siwon says.

Kibum shrugs, “It’s Donghae-hyung’s idea,” he says. “He stopped asking for hospital clothes for Jongwoon-hyung because he reasons that Jongwoon –hyung is past the stage of wearing hospital clothes.”

Siwon raises an eyebrow at this. “This Donghae I’m replacing, you talk about him a lot.”

“He’s my partner,” Kibum says. “We’re the ones who take shifts to care for Jongwoon-hyung. Aside from that, Donghae-hyung has been working for four years with Jongwoon-hyung.”

“Oh. Well, it seems like I’ve got a pretty large hole to cover,” Siwon says as he looks at the guy inside the room who was now sitting straight on the floor, Kibum only shrugs in response. He let out a surprised gasp when Jongwoon suddenly turned to face them. He shivers involuntarily when he looks at Jongwoon’s eyes and see nothing but glassy irises. “Can he see us?” he asks Kibum.

“No,” Kibum turns to him. “This window is a one-way window.”

Siwon nods, but he can’t still help but feel as if Kibum was lying to him. If Jongwoon couldn’t really see them, then why was he still looking at them?

“Feels like he’s looking right at us, right?” Kibum says from beside him. Siwon absently nods. “He’s a good patient, he’s not violent, he’s obedient, he doesn’t give us trouble. He’s actually very sensitive too, so he might or might not be looking at us right now. He may not be seeing us, but maybe he can feel our presence,” Kibum continues.

“What did he get admitted for?” Siwon asks.

“Hmm…the doctors say that he has multiple personality disorder, because he claims that people are talking to him, visiting him, and interacting with him, even if he’s completely alone; it could be schizophrenia, but the people he describes are bits of himself,” Kibum explains. “Still, there are other consultants who believe he is schizophrenic.”

“But I don’t see why he has to be admitted for that…,”Siwon interrupts.

Kibum shakes his head sadly. “I don’t know. I don’t see the reason for admittance either, and he’s been here for five years.”

Siwon doesn’t meet Yesung until a week after his transfer to the psychiatry ward. Since he was still new in the department, he had to get acquainted with the schedules that they run. Kibum was kind enough to help him in some chores, but even with his help, he wasn’t able to free some time to meet the patient he’s supposed to be taking care of. He asked Kibum if it was okay if he wasn’t able to introduce himself to Jongwoon first, to which Kibum replied that Jongwoon never really noticed this kind of things, or he pretends to, at the very least.

So, it comes as a surprise to Siwon when Kibum tells him that they’re going to meet Jongwoon.

“Siwon-hyung, are you free now?” Kibum asks him as he drops by the nurse’s station.

Siwon looks up from the files he’s been reading for the past hours and he smiles at Kibum gratefully. “Yeah, I think so. Dr. Park gave me Jongwoon-ssi’s records so that I could review them. Are we going to meet him now?”

Kibum nods. “Yes, you’ll be bringing in his lunch. It was Donghae-hyung’s job Right now, we’re going to the kitchen, and we’ll have to ask for Jongwoon-hyung’s food.”

“Why do we have to go to the kitchen? And don’t the kitchen people on duty usually deliver the food?”

“Jongwoon-hyung trusts only a few people, if he sees you come in with food, then it’s a sign for him that he can more or less rely on you,” Kibum says. “If we let the people on kitchen duty do it, then it will be bad for us. He’d think that we’re only trying to harm him, and we aren’t going to take care of him. That will be very difficult for us especially when we administer his shots.”

“I see, so will you be coming in with me? I mean, he isn’t familiar with me, so he might as well see someone whom he recognizes.”

“No, I can’t,” Kibum shakes his head sadly. “Jongwoon hyung has a problem with receiving too many people at a time. So you’ll have to do it by yourself. In any case, I’ll be watching you by the window,” he says offering a smile and a light pat on Siwon’s back for encouragement. Siwon only smiles feebly in return. Something was telling him that he’s in for something big.

When he entered the room, the first thing he noticed was the bed full of stuffed turtles and pillows on the side of the wall. If he looked through the window, he wouldn’t see this, so this came as a surprise to him . And then, his eyes fell on the green turtle carpet in the middle of the floor, where Jongwoon lies on his back, eyes closed. Siwon briefly wonders if Jongwoon is asleep. He places the tray of food on a nearby table and leans over the resting man.

It is his first time seeing Jongwoon up-close, and he’s amazed at how he looks. He looks sane, for lack of a better word, and for a sane person, he looks just too good. Siwon thinks that with Jongwoon’s looks, he can easily become an ulzzang or an idol, especially with the way Jongwoon’s hair falls on his face or the way the lips part. He looks beautiful, Siwon thought, smiling to himself. He quickly stands up though when Jongwoon’s eyes start to twitch.

Slowly opening his eyes, Jongwoon looks around the room first before his eyes settle on the standing Siwon. He looks at him blankly, and Siwon gulps, trying to remember the notes and the records he’s been reading. Well, okay. When one wants to go to Jongwoon-hyung, you should kneel next to him, he thinks as he recalls an entry on Donghae’s log. He bends over, and proceeds to kneel in front of Jongwoon who was sitting on the carpet. Jongwoon tilts his head and he looks at him calculatingly. Siwon tries not to shift gazes or do any sudden movements or else Jongwoon might interpret it wrongly. When Jongwoon doesn’t say anything, or do anything, Siwon decides that he should probably hand Jongwoon his food now. He stands up and starts to make his way to the table when a hand suddenly stops him. He looks down and sees Jongwoon, eyes sad and pleading, rooting him to the spot.

“I-I, I’m just going to get your food, Jongwoon-ssi,” Siwon says, trying to get out of his hold, but Jongwoon’s hold is strong. Jongwoon pats the space beside him and wordlessly asks Siwon to sit next to him with his eyes and slight pout. Siwon couldn’t help but agree and finally sit down beside him. Jongwoon looked oddly satisfied with his doing and has then decided to drop his hold.

A moment or two of silence passes and Siwon is surprised when he suddenly feels a weight on his shoulder. He looks down and sees Jongwoon laying his head on his shoulder, and an arm crawling up on around his to keep him there. He looks desperately at Kibum who was behind the window which only showed him a white wall, and sighs in disappointment. He then remembers that the window was only one way. It’s sad he thinks, it must be hard for Jongwoon.

A soft sigh escapes Jongwoon’s lips and Siwon’s attention immediately returns to him. He noticed that his breathing has evened out and Jongwoon is most probably sleeping. Well, nothing he can do but serve as a pillow to him, he wryly thought. He looked around the room and noticed that the room doesn’t resemble any of the hospital rooms he’s in before. Five years he thinks, of course this would stop being a hospital room in the five years Jongwoon has lived here. In five years the small, white room was transformed into Jongwoon’s very own home, with the various stuffed turtle, plushies and pillows. He also noticed the table near him having a pile of albums from various balladeers. He feels saddened when he looks at these things. He recalls reading them in Donghae’s notes, and he can’t help but feel sad for Jongwoon. Jongwoon got these stuff from his brother, his younger brother who cares a lot for him would always visit him and give him stuff that he recalls his hyung liked. Unfortunately, Jongwoon can’t recognize Jongjin (that’s the name of Jongwoon’s younger brother, as mentioned in Donghae’s notes) so he stopped, he stopped visiting Jongwoon after 2 years and settled for giving gifts through Kibum and Donghae.

He looks at Jongwoon again and he wonders how Jongjin looks like. Does Jongjin resemble his hyung? Does Jongwoon remember Jongjin even if he can’t recognize him?

Siwon sighs and suddenly he regrets transferring to this department. This was more depressing than seeing people die in the ER. There was no sense of attachment in the ER, you only need to know fast facts and brief medical histories. But now that he’s in this department and caring for a certain patient, quick facts and medical histories can’t help him. It’s only been a week, but he’s scared at the fact that he can feel something deeper than sympathy for this patient. He feels sad that he sees this guy living with nothing to live for but just for the sake of living.

His train of thought gets interrupted however, when Jongwoon’s head rolls back and he catches him before he falls. Cradling Jongwoon’s head in his arms, he places him on his lap and lets the man sleep on his lap. He looks at the lunch he brought in and sighs. Well, there goes his food.

When Siwon’s lap starts to get prickly, he regrets placing the sleeping Jongwoon on his lap, and looks at the window. He signals for Kibum to come in and he feels ridiculous for playing signs with a person who probably wasn’t there.

He felt relieved when the door opens and Kibum comes in with a smile. Kibum signals for him to lift Jongwoon’s head and they were to bring him to the bed. With him lifting Jongwoon’s upper body and Kibum hauling Jongwoon’s legs, they finally transferred Jongwoon to his bed.

Leaving the room, Siwon turns to Kibum and asks him. “How long have I been there?”

“Two hours,” Kibum answers.

“That long?”


“You stayed outside for two hours?” Siwon asks him with a look of disbelief on his face. Kibum merely nods and Siwon looks at him in amazement.

“He likes you,” Kibum says.

“He does?”

“Yep, he never warmed up to someone on his first meeting. It took Donghae-hyung 2 weeks to even have Jongwoon–hyung smile at him.”


“He trusts you,” Kibum continues. “That’s good, you might be able to help him.”

Jongwoon, Siwon finds out, shouldn’t even be here, he decides when Jongwoon starts singing to him. Every time he visits Jongwoon, he sees more of Jongwoon’s normalcy rather than his “insanity”. He was kind, cheerful even if he didn’t speak much. He was friendly too, a bit touchy but at the same time, very accepting. Siwon has asked Kibum if this was Jongwoon’s normal behaviour but Kibum shakes his head and says that Jongwoon only started being like that when Siwon came to be his nurse.

He looks at Jongwoon who was listening to one of the albums Jongjin has given Siwon that week, S’ Fr.In.Cl album. He was humming one of the songs, and bopping his head along to a rhythm only he cane hear. Siwon smiles at the sight, and he can’t help but feel warmth when he sees Jongwoon sitting satisfied on his bed, holding to the new turtle plushie Siwon bought for him. Even though Siwon has heard Jongwoon sing, he still hasn’t heard Jongwoon speak.

“They went away,” a soft and husky voice says.

Siwon looks at Jongwoon, shaking his head, was he hearing right? Did Jongwoon just speak? He stands up from his chair and moves to Jongwoon’s bed where Jongwoon was off staring at something.

“Did you just speak?” Siwon can’t stop himself from asking.

Jongwoon looks at him blankly and he purses his lips. Siwon sighs and he shakes his head. So much for hearing him speak.

“They left now,” Jongwoon says, and this time Siwon hears it clearly, and he’s sure that it’s directed at him because Jongwoon is looking at him. Siwon smiles at him and Jongwoon smiles back. Jongwoon removes an earphone and he gives it to Siwon, while clearing off the pillows on his bed so Siwon could sit with him with their backs against the wall. Siwon obliges and puts the earphone in his left ear, the soft and calming guitar strings of Love is What I Need filters through and he feels Jongwoon wrap his arms around him and put his head on his shoulder.


The doctor’s voice was calm and strong, but instead of hearing malice and distaste in his voice, Jongwoon hears S singing to him. He smiles, and starts to hum and tap his fingers to the beat of a song that only he can hear.

“How are you today?” the doctor asks.

Jongwoon looks at him briefly before looking straight back at the window where he can feel Siwon’s presence. He smiles again, Siwon, his new nurse, always made it a point to be there watching him from the outside whenever his doctor is visiting him, he knows it so because Siwon’s been telling him that.

Jongwoon doesn’t answer, and instead continues to hum. He can feel his doctor getting irritated by his behaviour, but he doesn’t care. He can hear his doctor huff and close his folder, annoyed at the fact that he was getting ignored. He stands up, chair scraping the floor and makes his way for the door and Jongwoon only watches him leave.

When he was nearly out of the door, he speaks.

“They don’t visit anymore. I’m not scared of them now,” he says. He doesn’t think the doctor heard him, but it’s okay anyway, because Siwon is coming in, and he knows that Siwon definitely heard him.

Current Mood: sleepysleepy
just let it be: yewon - hugmayshy on December 12th, 2010 05:39 am (UTC)
i am still a little confused at the whole jongwoon case since i am naturally slow, but i did like this fic a lot. you wrote this so well, something i hope to achieve some day ^^
i like the fact that jongwoon softened up to siwon so fast and that siwon, although hesitant at first, started liking him after his first meeting :)
the ending makes me want more, but it's actually okay like that because then it might just ruin it haha XD thx for writing this and i love the fact that u wrote in hae and kibum too haha <3